What Is Grooming?

Grooming is deliberately forming a relationship with a child (or sometimes an at-risk adult) to exploit them, usually sexually. Groomers intentionally cultivate friendships and mentorships. They then use those connections to sexually abuse, manipulate and control their victims. Grooming is done over time. Groomers may spend months, weeks or years building trust with their victim as well as the victim’s family members and community.

Perpetrators use grooming behaviors as a way to reduce the likelihood that a child will report them or that someone else will recognize the signs of sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse is any type of sexual activity that occurs due to coercion or involves someone who is unable to consent. By law, children cannot consent to sexual activity with an adult. Globally, it is estimated that one in four girls and one in 13 boys will experience child sexual abuse before they reach adulthood.

Who grooms children?

Anyone can groom a child for their own purposes, regardless of their age, gender or background. Often, groomers are not strangers but someone already known to the child or their family. Examples include an acquaintance, family member, friend, teacher, coach, caregiver or community leader. Many groomers use their positions of authority to gain the child’s trust before exploiting that trust for their own purposes.

Children and young people may also meet individuals online who engage in grooming tactics. Online grooming can happen anywhere children may interact with others online, including social media sites, gaming websites and group chat apps.

Perpetrators of grooming sometimes use institutions to access potential victims. In some cases, these institutions have been found liable for fostering environments that permitted abuse.

Motley Rice has been involved in child sexual abuse litigation involving the following:

• Youth organizations: The Boy Scouts of America has been the subject of thousands of allegations of sexual assault at the hands of scout leaders. Survivors accuse the Boy Scouts of America of failing to protect children in their care. Our law firm has represented survivors of abuse claims against the Boy Scouts.
• Coaches, educators and school districts: We brought child sexual abuse claims against Pinewood Preparatory School in South Carolina on behalf of victims who alleged they were abused by a teacher and coach at the school. We achieved a settlement in this case. We have also represented and settled cases on behalf of clients in litigation against public schools in New York and New Jersey.
• Religious leaders and religious organizations: For decades, the Catholic Church has been embroiled in allegations of child sexual abuse. Some dioceses have paid out millions of dollars in child sexual abuse claims. Motley Rice has represented survivors of clergy abuse in the Catholic Church, Catholic Dioceses, and the parishes where the abuse occurred.

Who is vulnerable to groomers?

Any child could be at risk of being groomed. However, groomers often target children they see as vulnerable, such as children with disabilities, children in care, and children who have been neglected. Groomers believe these children will be easier to manipulate and less likely to speak out. Groomers may also target vulnerable adults, such as adults with cognitive disabilities.

Frequently, children do not recognize grooming as a precursor to sexual abuse, nor do they report the sexual abuse itself. If they do, it may not be until many years after it occurred. Several states have instituted “lookback window” laws that allow adult survivors of child sexual abuse to hold their abusers and abuse enablers responsible. Our attorneys can tell you more about the laws in your state.

Grooming is a process that typically follows a distinctive pattern and series of tactics. Grooming behaviors involve:

1. Identifying and targeting the child: Groomers will look for children they believe are vulnerable. Perpetrators may target children with disabilities or children in care. Perpetrators may look for children who are struggling socially, having problems at home, or seem to lack confidence and self-esteem. Groomers may also target children they have ready access to, such as a teacher targeting a student or coach targeting an athlete.
2. Engaging in peer-like involvement: Perpetrators will try to gain the trust of the child they target by acting as one of the child’s peers. They may develop hobbies or interests that the child shares, purchase games and toys the child likes and show a sustained and focused interest in playing or hanging out with the child.
3. Desensitizing the child to touch: Predators will try to desensitize their victims to touch. This process often begins gradually, as groomers “test the waters” to see if the child will tell. Usually, groomers start with small, seemingly normal touches. They then slowly escalate the touching to inappropriate sexual physical contact. Predators may also have sexually explicit conversations with children to test the boundary of how the child reacts.
4. Isolating the child: Groomers will try to physically and emotionally isolate their victims. They may look for chances to gain access to the child when they are alone. Groomers may exaggerate problems with the child’s family or friends to keep them socially isolated. They may also use secrets to manipulate the child into keeping quiet about the abuse.
5. Making the child feel responsible for the abuse: Perpetrators will try to control the child through false affection, fear or guilt. They will often try to make the targeted child feel like the abuse is their fault, so they are too ashamed to tell. This psychological tactic may involve making the child feel like they somehow wanted the sexual contact or tempted the adult into sexual acts.
6. Ingratiating themselves with the child: Children also can develop a deep sense of affection for their groomer or perpetrator. There may be a fear that disclosing the abuse will end the relationship entirely or get the perpetrator in “trouble.”

Grooming and child sexual abuse can cause severe and lasting emotional, physical and mental health problems. If not treated, the effects of child grooming and sexual assault can last well into adulthood. For instance, adults who were sexually abused as children are four to five times as likely to use alcohol and drugs. Survivors are also twice as likely to smoke, be physically inactive and obese.

Survivors may also struggle with the following:

• Addiction
• Anxiety disorders
• Chronic illness
• Decreased satisfaction in relationships
• Depression
• Difficulty maintaining appropriate boundaries with others
• Eating disorders
• Gynecological and reproductive health problems
• Hyper and hypo sexuality
• Personality disorders
• Poor body image and low self-esteem
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Self-harming behaviors
• Sleep disturbances
• Suicidal ideation

The effects of child sexual abuse can also impact adult survivors financially. Physical and mental healthcare costs can add up over time. Health conditions may also prevent survivors from obtaining employment. For these reasons, it is estimated that the costs of child sexual abuse to individuals and society may be in the billions of dollars.

Parents (and other safe adults) need to recognize the signs of sexual grooming. Potential signs of child grooming may include:

• Behavioral changes: Children may show signs of depression and anxiety, be aggressive or angry or engage in poor self-care and hygiene. Running away, fear and avoidance of certain people are also signs. Children may attempt to desexualize themselves by wearing baggy clothes, gaining weight, or trying to hide their gender.
• Erosion of boundaries: Engaging with children on the same level as their peers is a step in the grooming process. This may look like eroding the boundaries between a child and an adult, such as making sexual comments or oversharing personal information.
• Physical signs: Physical signs of grooming may include frequent headaches, stomach aches, bed wetting, decreased appetite, unexplained weight loss or nightmares. There may also be signs of bruising or bodily harm, especially on the buttocks, thighs or genitals.
• Secrecy and isolation: Pressure or manipulation from the groomer may cause children to become secretive and isolated. Sharing secrets and isolating children physically and emotionally from friends and family are common tactics that groomers use.
• Unexplained gifts: Groomers may use gifts or favors as a way to gain a child’s trust. Gifts may also be used to manipulate a child into thinking they owe something to their abuser.
• Knowledge of Sexual Behaviors: Children may exhibit sexual behaviors or show knowledge of sexual behaviors that are developmentally inappropriate based upon their young age.

Though explaining grooming can be difficult, it is important to speak about it with your children. The following strategies may help parents or caregivers explain grooming to a child so that they can protect themselves.

Encourage children to speak up for themselves

Groomers often rely on silence and secrecy to control children. Groomers may also look to target children who lack confidence and seem less likely to speak up for themselves. This is why encouraging children to be assertive can help prevent grooming.

Set boundaries and explain consent

Understanding boundaries and consent can help keep children safe from grooming.

For younger children, this means explaining that they get to decide what they want to do with their bodies. Tell them it is all right to tell someone they do want to be hugged or touched. When someone says “no” or looks uncomfortable, touching should stop immediately.

For teens and tweens, explain that consent means that both parties agree to what is happening by giving a clear “yes” or “no.”  Explain that in sexual situations, silence or lack of resistance does not equal consent. Consent can be withdrawn at any time if someone feels uncomfortable.

Stay involved

Groomers look for victims who are isolated or need someone to listen to. Parents can help their children by staying involved. A trusting and honest relationship with your child, along with open lines of communication, can be the best defense against predators.

Can grooming be non-sexual?

Grooming can be non-sexual. Essentially, grooming is forming an intentional relationship with someone for the purpose of exploiting them. Grooming can be used for sexual exploitation. It can also be used to exploit someone financially or to get them to do something illegal.

Is grooming considered sexual abuse?

Because grooming can be used to manipulate people into both sexual and non-sexual acts, it is not always sexual abuse. However, grooming is a tactic sexual abusers use to perpetrate their crimes and get away with harming victims.

How do groomers select victims?

Any child may be groomed, but groomers often select victims they believe are vulnerable. They may target children with disabilities, children who struggle socially, or children with challenging family situations. They may also seek out children who seem to lack confidence or have low self-esteem.

Motley Rice has experience helping survivors of child sexual abuse hold their abusers and abuse enablers accountable. Our case record includes high-profile litigation against organizations such as the Boy Scouts of America and the Catholic Church. We know how to provide compassionate, trauma-informed representation to clients and their families.

If you or someone you love experienced childhood sexual grooming and abuse, a Motley Rice childhood sexual abuse lawyer can discuss your legal options. Contact us today by filling out our online form or calling 1.800.768.4026.

Read more about our childhood sexual abuse litigation experience.